Depression never stays away for long...Been awhile since it last hit....

The three enhancements. I believe there are three main sections of ourselves that we must refine and develop. I never realised how important they were and how I needed to improve in those areas. To me now, these three comes above anything else. For me to help others, for me to become a genuine man and most importantly, for me to escape from the jaws of depression, I must develop and master them. [Skip next 2 paragraphs if it gets boring]

Firstly, it is the human body development. I’ve always hated sports and physical activities. I never liked them since primary school. Maybe it was pride that I would not let go of. To always be the loser of a race or unable to reach my toes while others could. I’ve been raised to be the best. And to avoid such defeat and shame, I avoided exercise, a chance of a new culture with friends and a healthy future. I’ve realised it ages ago that I needed to come forth and just confront the fact that I’m fat and not so appealing physically. Clothes can’t hide what’s underneath forever. I’ve known that since I started my whole wardrobe makeover. So now I’m on the road to physical mastery, to make my body fit, to make those whoever rejected me by looks regret and to make that dream of mine to be proud of whom I am outside come true.

The second development is mind control/intelligence. Intelligence is self explanatory, to become smarter academically and learn from experience and from various other sources. However, mind control is based mostly on patience. To be patient is the key to everything; patience of long term exercise for body development and patience to take time developing my piano skills from scratch. To control our emotions and our behaviour is important. For me, it’s my habit of speaking before thinking that I need to develop. I have forgotten my old self, the one who used to avoid talking at all, always afraid of offending someone. Nowadays, I often offend people without knowing it. I can’t stop me behaviour and habits. Hence, mind control is needed to suppress these actions. Honestly use to be very important with me but now, I shall put a leash on that honesty with the caged lies. My honesty replies are only let out when asked; otherwise, it’s to be left inside me. As a consequence, the mouth and tongue must resign. To master the skill of controlling my behaviour by controlling the mind is an essential for me.

The last and hardest to tame is emotional development. I’ve been continuously bombarded with emotional conflicts and pain. It doesn’t ease nor does it go away. They only fade a bit, adding to the other faded bits and beating as a dull throb inside you. To learn of the emotional world and endure it takes more effort and skills than the above two developments. I thought I had mastered it, enduring the lost of my grandfather, the countless rejections now, the trauma with family conflict; I only thought I was stronger after surviving all those.

The other day, my 2-days ‘online wife’ divorced me, you could say. Lame as it may seem, I thought I was shallow and tough enough from the countless upfront rejection to handle a small rejection even when it’s a fun game thing. There was this slight feeling of.....truth or hope in it....the feeling that something miraculously could happen between us. I know before we got ‘married’ this was a joke, not a serious relationship. Just I knew and felt it was nothing until the ‘we need to talk’ message came in about the break up. I don’t get it, why does it hurt inside? I never had genuine feelings for her. Maybe it was the fact she broke up with me for her ex-boyfriend (turned out to be online as well). I felt a sense of loss in confidence and the loss of something other than love. It’s just weird. This rejection pain was a lot deeper than those I’ve experienced. It really hurts. And I can’t find the reason why.

Again, I fell before the same thing that always erodes my sense of life; girls. I wonder why all my problems come from girls in general is. I wanted a relationship in high school and I was denied having one, missing out that chance of the high school life I’ve always wanted. And from the desperation, I end up just recently been swarmed with girls interested in me. It’s a dramatic change for me. The old me would have just picked one and life that moment he’s been craving for since middle high school. But I’ve lost all emotions. I’ve lost conscience in the real world and in turn, awaken into the ‘real’ world. My feelings are lost.

It’s not just romantic emotion but also my friendship and family emotions. They are so blurry to me at the moment. It’s hard to see what I’ve put so much effort in to keep alive. To love my family as they do but to get conflict in the end, to keep the last connections with friends before I wake to find myself on a deserted island. Loneliness is what u gets in the end. Maybe that’s the reason I’ve always searched for a girlfriend; in hope to find someone who’ll be there regardless whatever happens. I know they don’t seem to be better than family or friends but for some reason, you feel like she’ll be there for you regardless. In some cases, they may not but for me it’s like another form of hope. Sadly, the family star shimmers to a dull twinkle, friends star is dimming and the ‘unnamed’ star for that one girl has officially blinked out.

So what does emotional mastery include? I still haven’t discovered it yet. Is it to block out the pain and emotions? Is it to accept your losses and move on to the next problem? Is it to continuously endure the pain? For me, I’m just exhausted. Pain can become a painkiller in this situation. So what I’m left with is so drift, to dip in and out of these clouds of emotions and maybe find the answer I’m trying to look for.

Mushroom level: 5/5

Elona Gay

You know, sometimes you can feel so cold you can’t feel anything except maybe the deepest pain. It’s odd because you can snuggle in bed with a tonne of blankets and still feel so cold. It’s like instead of releasing heat; you’re releasing the coldness around yourself. But it feels relatively nice. Feels numb everywhere, can’t move properly, breath properly, or even think properly. Maybe it’s just me, the body protecting itself from pain. Pity though, thoughts cannot be numbed. in fact, as it gets colder, the thoughts get clearer.

The other night I was walking home in the dark. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. It was so quiet, the silence sinking it’s fangs into your neck. All of a sudden a drop of water on my cheek. I thought it was going to rain but I realised a moment later I was actually crying. Weird. If you cried you would know, you could feel the emotions swelling up. But I didn’t. What have I become? Why can I not feel emotion anymore? To be more precise, y do I only feel loneliness, isolation and the feeling of being unwanted? I’ve tried to conjure up bright memories of the past, but I could not think of more than a handful of any happy events in my past. Yet as I walked, memories of depressing incidents of my past kept on resurfacing. The Divorce, the failure to achieve ‘exceptional’ results, the thoughts of who others perceive the world and me....It’s hard to keep them suppressed. So I walked that lonely road, the whole time unsure y I was crying, leaving a trail of tear drops on the pathway.

“I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
'Til then I'll walk alone...”

I’m so pathetic, why do I cry? Isn’t crying for the weak? I guess I am weak. I guess it’s just my body responding. Feels like my soul and body are separated, me, looking down at what I’m doing from outside. My body responding what my mind is thinking, yet, I feel no emotion, my soul that is. Is this what happens when u subject your heart to darkness?

I guess I’m a failure. Now that I think back, I’ve never done a good cause or succeeded in one. I’ve seen people on the streets begging for money, disable people try to take public transport yet I do not help them, just ignoring their existence. I failed at school, given up hope cause it’s too late to make any difference. I’ve given up on trying keeping my friends; it’s so tiring to be someone you’re not, just to keep the loneliness as bay. I’ve given up on family, who are no more of a support than my friends. I’ve given up on everyone else I know, knowing I mean nothing to them. I’m just another pawn piece in a chess set. Who am I, to send corny encouragement when I’m a failure? So meaningless what I’ve done up till now.

There is one person, who is the only person I can trust. She’s so special to me, the one who understood me the most, if not all, at least tried. She knows what I want, providing me the comfort I need, taking an initiative to understand my behaviour. She knows what to say to me when I need support most. My birthday came and she was the ONLY person to give me a gift that I truly loved. It was a simple horror movie, but i loved it, not because the movie was one I wanted to watch for so long but that she knows what I like. She took the time to remember what I like or dislike. If there was one person I would appreciate now, that would have to be her. It’s not a bluff, cause I DO LOVE her so.

Sadly, how much I would love to keep this early flame burning, I’m afraid I would have to tell u that it was immature and unthoughtful of me to lead u into a trap. It is true what I said to you tonite is my honest answer and thoughts but I do not want my disease spreading to you. U deserve better. Now u think of it, how am I to support u if I don’t have the strength to support myself? So, for your future’s sake, let’s put the title on hold and be oblivious to one another till the end of the exam. Should by then we find a missing gap in our hearts, it means we have genuine feels for one another. But whatever the result is, focus on studies first, and then we can sort out my dilemma. Your understanding, I know, so u should understand what I’m trying to say here. That’s what makes u so special compared to the others. That’s y I love u so.

Mushroom outgrowth...

By Elona Gay

I've been wondering for some time now. Why is it that the good people end up getting killed and crucified for their good cause? I mean, Joan of Arc was burnt at stake. Nelson Mandela was only just upholding his own beliefs. Why do i bring up this issue? I see how all the good guys are taking the crap. The world asks 'why don't we have anymore good in people?'. This is the reason, cause they get the crap when they do something good for others or this world. Honestly, what is wrong with you people? U execute heros and then just cry afterwards about them. No use making Joan of Arc a Saint when she's already bunrt to crisp. She freaking dead! All she wanted was for the good of France.

Oh, sigh, sigh. Level 5 mushrooms. Heavy rain and possible hails. I don't know what i really should be doing now. I really don't know. Life's is just so pointless and a sick joke. I mean, what is the purpose of living? Why must we live on? For what damn cause? Destory ourselves in humiliation with global warming? I mean, one day u can be filthy rich but what is that gonna make of you? I can possess everything but there isn't any reason to. I just don't see the purpose of living.

I'll be quite frank here, I totally give up on everything. My life as a teenage boy, a good life, and mostly, fishing in the seas people keep on telling me to find the rite one. I've had enough of being a good person. Tried to stop some friends fight and what did i get? A flaming of my life time and the meanest grease ever. I tried to help fix up some problems between friends, got questioned as if i'm a culprit and then dispised by both sides. It's those eyes, u know, those eyes that just pins your heart down and cuts u deep. To know a person for some time and to just see them look at you as if they hate you, like u massacred their families or something. This is what u get for trying to think about the friendship of both sides.

I've had enough. I don't care anymore if they start to stab each other or throw one another out the window. They can go kill themselves for all I care. i just don't want to be a good guy anymore, cause in the end, IT's YOU WHO EATS THE SHIT. Yes, for those who knows me, i hardly swear. I'm so close to saying the first "f" word in my 17 years of life. I'm clinging onto my last strand of sanity i have left.

Why do people tell that there are plenty of fish in the sea? I don't see that at all. In fact, there's no point cause in the end all those fishes are swiming off with other male fishes. I've even tried to fish in other places. So yes, i give up on girls. Before it was just condemning girls in general with exceptions to a few people around me, but now it's different. My hatred as finally over come even the most innocent. I don't see girls as individuals anymore. They're all fakes and lies. As a matter of fact, i don't give a damn anymore. I can't trust anyone anymore. I use to, with a few friends but even that was swallowed up by the hatred. Hatred. It's a strong word, very stong word to use. But i can't think of any other words to describe this feeling i have for girls. In fact, i've lost interest in all people. Not just only girls but guys. I mean, i dispise girls now but guys are not any better. It's so hard to trust anyone anymore. I choose not to trust anymore. Cause even i can't trust myself, not knowing what i would think and do next. I don't know what i can do to at all.

It is at World's End now. I find it to terrible to continue on, how i can hurt those who i really don't want to. Sorry to inflict such pain upon those who've read this. Maybe you're laughing or maybe you're concerned but whatever it is don't worry about it. There's nothing u can do. What is done is done. The world created me this way so there's nothing i can do to stop myself. The truth hurts most. Cause what i really find in life is PAIN, DECEIT, SUFFERING, IMPRISONMENT, LONILESS and sadly LOVELESSNESS....

By Elona Gay.